Chronic Feelings of Failure

It is with me today.
Maybe it is always with me and I’m just distracted sometimes?
Is it now just part of who I am?
I’m not sure what is it that I am meant to be doing that I have not, but I’ve definitely not done it.
Maybe I will never be capable of doing it?
Why am I not enough? Enough for who? Good question.
Feeling successful is not necessarily connected to actual success - what if I’ve failed even more than I know?
I shouldn’t have gotten ahead of myself.
Is the trying to push through embarrassing?
Who calls time?
Would it be less of a failure to call time myself?
The area where my eye sockets and top of my nose meet are throbbing.
From the right side base of my skull, down through my spine and shoulder are tingling but tense.
My shoulders are curving forward and my limbs are heavy. So heavy.
My joints want to curl in on themselves. I can’t reach - what a metaphor!
Why is this so familiar? I thought familiar things were meant to be safe.
If I let this go, what will replace it?

Emma Jayne Park